I was talking with a coaching client earlier this week, and we were discussing an opportunity that was there in plain view, right in front of her. In fact, she had identified the opportunity herself.
When I asked her when and how she was going to grab hold of that opportunity, her immediate response was to start talking about why she couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t want to.
In other words, she began to talk herself out of taking action.
As her coach I asked her to stop for a moment. I wanted to explore her reaction. Why was she finding reasons not to jump forward and take action?
It’s a tough question. Neither she nor I had an easy answer.
And she isn’t alone. I know dozens of freelancers who see an opportunity, or even create an opportunity, but then stand back and fail to grasp it.
One thing I do know is that it has something to do with one’s mindset.
Now let me give you another example, and highlight a different mindset.
Back in 1998 I was asked to speak at a large internet marketing conference. A speaker had cancelled, and it was less than two weeks before the event itself. The audience were online marketers from large and medium-sized companies. These were exactly the people I needed to get in front of. This was huge opportunity for me.
However, at that time I had no website, no business cards, and no samples. (This was my launch year as an online copywriter.) In addition, I had never spoken to a group of that size before, I had never built a presentation with PowerPoint, and I had about a week to get my slides submitted.
In short, I had some really good reasons to say no, and there was a very real risk that I would make an idiot of myself in front of a crowd I wanted to impress.
But I said yes. With a lot of help from the organizers – thank you “The 2 Steves” – I survived the presentation, did reasonably well, and picked up some great clients as a result.
In fact, each milestone in my career as a web writer, speaker and consultant can be traced to those moments when I said yes in the face of some very good reasons to say no.
All that said, I have a far from perfect record. As I look back I can think of several times when I should have said yes, but didn’t. I’m not trying to present myself as the guy who always gets it right. I’m not.
But if I had never said yes, I would never have been able to build the freelance business I ended up with.
Why do some people say yes, while others say no?
It’s easy to jump in and suggest some quick answers. One might simply say, “Oh well, some people have a more positive mindset than others.” Or, “Oh, some people are too scared of failure.”
I find those answers a little simplistic, and certainly not very helpful.
Myself, I don’t have an answer yet. But I’m going to be thinking very hard about this.
However, I will give you the same advice I gave my coaching client:
Be self-aware. When you find yourself about to say no to an opportunity, pause and think. Ask yourself why you are so quick to say no. Write down those reasons, and then figure out if they really are enough to stop you.
Remember, when I was asked to give that talk, I had some very, very good reasons to say no.
But if I had said no, my future would have been very different, because that one speaking event led to dozens of other speaking invitations, numerous clients and my first book offer from a major publisher.
In a very real sense, I built my career as an online copywriter based on that first speaking event.
The times when it seems to make the most sense to say no are often the very times you really should say yes.
About the author: Nick Usborne is an online writer, copywriter, author and coach. Read more…
I think it’s sometimes a little less clear, though – isn’t the problem to realise that there’s an opportunity in front of you that you can say ‘yes’ to?
Greetings Nick,
The most common reason I’ve encountered (both personally and anecdotally) ‘is’ very simple.
Fear.
We are conditioned to feel that we always need ‘something’ (car, house, job, spouse, education, etc) in order to be ‘successful’. I think that negative approach to life has spilled over into all areas of our lives to the point where our first instinct in any new situation (public speaking, bidding for work, meeting clients, etc) is that, “I would be fine…if only I had [fill in the blank].”.
Earlier in my career, I felt this more than a few times working with my photography clients. ‘If only I had more off-camera flashes, or my lenses were faster, or…’ and the list goes on. This is in spite of existing clients constantly telling me how happy they are with my work and comparing me to other photographers whose work is internationally recognised as top-drawer. I still get twinges of it when I’m looking at a project that may be over my head, especially when it’s in an area I don’t have as much experience as I do in my core areas.
For example, I’m a good photographer and have many happy clients in that field, but I’m adding writing to my repertoire. I spent twenty years in healthcare before leaving for photography, and also have a strong business and marketing background and I frequently get compliments on the writing I’ve done internally for clients, so I want to add that to the skills I promote rather than essentially giving it away. However, convincing existing clients who have me in the ‘photographer box’ can be equally as challenging as convincing clients who haven’t worked with me at all that they should hire me as a writer.
So if only I took a course…or three…perhaps I would have ‘it’…whatever ‘it’ is that they are looking for in a writer. If only I hired a coach… If only I joined a study group… If only I had a mentor… If only I was lucky enough to know someone who knew someone…
Anything to avoid actually putting myself out there, on the line, and facing the possibility of rejection…
Because of fear.
…but that could just be me.
Cheers,
Scott
Scott, hi
I think fear may well be part of it for some people. But I don’t think it’s “the answer”.
In my case, when I said yes to speak at that event, I don’t think it was the absence of fear, or even courage that led me to say yes immediately. I didn’t think about it or say I’d get back to them. I just said yes…because I could see how much benefit I would derive from standing on that stage…and I then set about overcoming all the obstacles.
I think it has something to do with being able to imagine and visualize your future self. I could look forward two weeks, see myself on the stage, and thought, “I can do that.”
Other times I have looked forward 6 months or a year and thought, “I can do that”. Mostly I have been right, occasionally I have been wrong.
Often I have no objective evidence to support my idea that I can do something, but if I can visualize the outcome, I give it a shot.
By the same token, when other opportunities present themselves, I think, “I can’t see myself doing that.” In those cases, I don’t proceed.
For me, finding the answer to this question is still a work in progress. : )
Nick
Some people are really afraid of failure. Others see failure either as an opportunity to learn, or as something that just happens now and again – no big deal. I think that’s part of the difference between the two ‘mindsets’.
Thanks for the article 🙂
I’m not convinced by the fear argument. I’m as scared of failure as the next person. I’m not one of those people who say you grow through fear and failure. I am deeply upset by failure. I hate it. But when I visualize an outcome and say yes, fear doesn’t seem to be part of the equation, and I’m not sure why not.
Nick
Hi Nick,
Interesting thread. I’d be interested to hear the result of your thoughts about this.
I, being a brand new freelancer, can certainly relate to the fear argument, or maybe more between fear and what you’ve called “Imposter Syndrome”. Maybe I’m just calling it fear … maybe it’s change, or just being out of your comfort zone, but whatever it is, it is unsettling. It’s one of those things that is kind of real and not real at the same time.
Here’s the strange (and encouraging) thing though … on the rare occasions when I’ve just gone ahead and said yes, whatever thoughts that were holding me back actually ended up looking pretty silly from the other side. It never seems to be as bad as we thought, and as you mentioned, it can sometimes be career changing.
Maybe once we get a few of those “realizations” under our belt, it gets easier to welcome the stretch provided by the opportunity.
And here’s some more motivation from Alan Weiss:
“If you never accept an assignment that calls for your doing something you haven’t done before, you will never earn significant money.”
Thanks for the post!
Regards,
Jim.
Some of us are slow learners, Nick. It takes an enormous amount of pain to get us to say yes to anything new. In my case, a dwindling bank account always helps to get me in gear. … I seem to be doing better in the last few years. Like you I now say yes to any opportunity I perceive will benefit my SEO copywriting business. I’ve networked locally like crazy and I used to be scared to death to go somewhere where I didn’t know anyone. Now it’s a piece of cake. It has served me well; I don’t have to worry about assignments at all anymore.
Hi Nick,
Great material for thought.
I know that when I feel just a little bit of queasiness in my stomach, but the payoff (not money, but opportunity) is big, I say yes and immediately start thinking of what I can do bit by bit to make that opportunity be positive. And not worry about the “worry.”
There haven’t been so many things I’ve said no to. Maybe that’s because we women are often saying “yes” to everything and everyone as “caregivers and nurturers.”
But then again, I’ve noticed that often women have fears and don’t choose to act.
So it is a complicated question worth considering, just as you advised your client.
And I’ll think about your advice to her when it comes up for me. Thanks.
It’s good to ponder this issue.